please critique my scenario

[steve hyde]

Looking for critical feedback of course.... and reactions of any kind.. Thanks!

UNTITLED SHORT-FORM FILM by Steve Hyde

The film examines lost faith told though the story of a blind preacher searching for salvation in the Amazon jungle. Angry and bitter, our protagonist has been wounded by the society that raised him. He is on a mission to find the real "god." He feels fooled by the church. He goes on a mission to discover the "Truth." Blind in more ways than one, he wanders his way toward salvation while travelling by bus across the mountains and down into the jungle. Along the way he encounters young girls who feel compassion for him, yet he is indifferent to their efforts to offer him some comfort. He feels being in their presence is a sin and they also make him break out in a cold sweat. He returns their kindness with meanness, but the girls only feel compassion and pity for him.(antagonism) This makes him even more bitter. The encounters with the girls work to reveal his deepest fears and the fact that what he needs is at odds with what he wants. (the big writing challenge that needs to be developed) In the end he finally arrives at a Shaman’s medicine shack after being transported there on a canoe by local Indians. The Shaman prepares an elixir for him and he trips his brains out (the climax of the story). In the closing moments of the film we see our protagonist out of his mind, covered in mud and bugs yelling: “ I can see, I can see, it’s beautiful….but of course his eyes are still closed.

FADE TO BLACK

[tlatosmd]

He feels being in their presence is a sin and they also make him break out in a cold sweat. He returns their kindness with meanness, but the girls only feel compassion and pity for him.(antagonism) This makes him even more bitter. The encounters with the girls work to reveal his deepest fears and the fact that what he needs is at odds with what he wants.

His deepest fear is being compassionate about girls? :o

In the end he finally arrives at a Shaman?s medicine shack after being transported there on a canoe by local Indians. The Shaman prepares an elixir for him and he trips his brains out (the climax of the story). In the closing moments of the film we see our protagonist out of his mind, covered in mud and bugs yelling: ? I can see, I can see, it?s beautiful?.but of course his eyes are still closed.

FADE TO BLACK

So I suppose you're trying to tell us he's trying to find an easy, escapist way out (escapist as in drugging his mind out) by denying the actual truth? I'd propose emphasizing that a bit by revealing it was actually a toxic drug the shaman gave him, like, one could either interpret that as a punishment for his denying, escapist ways, or a coincidental tragedy based upon a misunderstanding because the shaman's definition of "the Truth" (as "being one with the All-being in death" or something) happens to be different from his own Western/white-man "Truth". Otherwise that message or basic judgement about his deliberate journey might be too cryptic.

On the other hand, how are you gonna give us a truly awesome and far-out trip with a small budget? I'm thinking of something as far out and psychedelic as that drug-induced dream in "The Big Lebowski" (where the copyrighted music arguably lent a lot to it) or those scenes from "Fritz the Cat" with Fritz being all drugged out.

[steve hyde]

His deepest fear is being compassionate about girls? :o

well his situation is of course more complicated than that and will be developed in a more fleshed-out treatment. Let's just say he has had some bad experiences and suffers from them.

So I suppose you're trying to tell us he's trying to find an easy, escapist way out (escapist as in drugging his mind out) by denying the actual truth? I'd propose emphasizing that a bit by revealing it was actually a toxic drug the shaman gave him, like, one could either interpret that as a punishment for his denying, escapist ways, or a coincidental tragedy based upon a misunderstanding because the shaman's definition of "the Truth" (as "being one with the All-being in death" or something) happens to be different from his own Western/white-man "Truth". Otherwise that message or basic judgement about his deliberate journey might be too cryptic.

....well there is a whole cult of people that go down to the jungle searching for some kind of "Truth" botanically. He is one of them. Yours is an interesting reading of what I wrote and gives me some things to think about. Thanks.

On the other hand, how are you gonna give us a truly awesome and far-out trip with a small budget? I'm thinking of something as far out and psychedelic as that drug-induced dream in "The Big Lebowski" (where the copyrighted music arguably lent a lot to it) or those scenes from "Fritz the Cat" with Fritz being all drugged out.

Good question. Cheap plastic lenses. A large magnifying glass. CGI??
I'll have to watch the Big Lebowski again.. any other ideas?

[Evan Kubota]

What is the expected running time?

I'm getting a mental image that is a mixture of Clayton Bigsby and the blind guy from 'Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada.' Have you seen it?

[steve hyde]

What is the expected running time?

I'm getting a mental image that is a mixture of Clayton Bigsby and the blind guy from 'Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada.' Have you seen it?

I haven't seen these ones Evan... Running time is as short as it can be, but I am envisioning it running between 15 and 30 minutes. Let's say 23mins give or take.... Shooting ratios are budgeted for about 4:1 with this running time in mind.

I'm going to spend some time today working on the "encounters" with antagonism. I think this will be the hardest part to write and of course every thing before and after these scenes will be set up and closure..

Thanks for your interest.

Steve

[Evan Kubota]

Interesting. I'm not sure if you're aiming for festivals but from what I understand you're basically shooting yourself in the foot with a short longer than 15 minutes, and cutting your own throat with one that's over 20...

That said, my current project will likely be close to 20 minutes if not over. Disregard my advice :roll: I might have to generate a shorter version for festivals... so much for self-funding allowing you to escape the iron fist..

Your scenario also reminds me of some of the early scenes in 'Maria Full of Grace.'

[steve hyde]

Interesting. I'm not sure if you're aiming for festivals but from what I understand you're basically shooting yourself in the foot with a short longer than 15 minutes, and cutting your own throat with one that's over 20...

That said, my current project will likely be close to 20 minutes if not over. Disregard my advice :roll: I might have to generate a shorter version for festivals... so much for self-funding allowing you to escape the iron fist..

Your scenario also reminds me of some of the early scenes in 'Maria Full of Grace.'

...well, I suppose I can always generate a shorter cut. I noticed you are submitting to Cannes. What has been your experience with that?

"Maria full of Grace"?? That's interesting and surprising...how so?

Steve

[npcoombs]

...well, I suppose I can always generate a shorter cut. I noticed you are submitting to Cannes. What has been your experience with that?
[/quote]

The cannes short film festival is not the parigone of artistic film like the 'Jury Selection' is for features. Do not presume that because you make an artistic/deep film it will be recognized there. The Berlin Film festival would be a better bet - but like all short festivals its a bit of a lottery so the only rational way to promote your work is to submit to almost every festival you can afford/have time to.

The film concept sounds ambitious. I think there could be too much rolled into one in this film though: the travel, guilt towards girls, exotic shamans, blindness cured in the final muddy moments.

Make sure it doesn't turn into a parody of an art film. Personally, I think the journey and relationship with the girls is interesting and enough of a challenge to do well by itself. I would say you need to find the core of the story and develop that rather than including too many elements.

I second what Evan says about length. Aim for 15 minutes or under. Better to shoot 15 minutes very well and put all you money and resources into a short of that length.

[steve hyde]

Thanks for your interest and insights Nathan. I especially appreciate your warning to make sure it does not develop into a "parody of an art film". I wrote this scenario rather haphazardly in a short time. The plan for this production is to generate a handful of candidate scenarios - 5 or 7 very different stories that will be written as this one has been: as a rough outline.

Then I will work to develop one of them with the other filmmakers on this project. Since story is the most important component of any production, I have become convinced it is centrally important to have a story that the other collaborators can get behind. In other words, I want the crew to be motivated by the story-line. I want a story that we can all agree is worth fighting for and suffering for. If I don't have that, I have nothing and I might as well stay home and watch movies rather than making one.

I am working to set up some parameters for the creation of the scenarios that I am proposing:

Rule 1
The scenarios will be anti-hero: the tale of a deeply troubled soul searching for some form of salvation, redemption, meaning and purpose in life.

Rule 2
The scenarios must be character-driven: his story must be shaped by forces of antagonism that uncover the truth about him. Following the conventions of classical drama, I am simply out to tell the story of a man who conceals his fears and suffers from fright. A man who is convinced that there is a easy way around his fear - but of course there is not. Therefore what he needs (to face fear) is at odds with what he wants (an easy way around).....The challenge is to do this well in a way that is fresh interesting and authentic... My own fear is that I will fail at this!!! The only way I can overcome this fear is by writing my way through it!!!

I don't want to be the type of writer that locks himself up all summer long without asking for help - hence this post.

Rule 3
The scenario has to be crafted for the road. Locations will be discovered during production so the story is one of a traveller going from place to place, yet the story should be ambiguous in terms of exact time and place.


These rules are not set in stone...yet.. I need more...

any suggestions???

Again, thanks,

Steve

By the way, if anyone else is interested in anti-hero themes I would encourage any of you to take a stab at a scenario. It would be great to see a collaborative DVD of short films on this theme emerge from this work somewhere down the road....

[tlatosmd]

...well, I suppose I can always generate a shorter cut. I noticed you are submitting to Cannes. What has been your experience with that?

Wow! '8O' No that's what I call a short cut! :lol:

[Evan Kubota]

...well, I suppose I can always generate a shorter cut. I noticed you are submitting to Cannes. What has been your experience with that?

"Maria full of Grace"?? That's interesting and surprising...how so?

The extent of my experience was three emails (confirming receipt of three films) and a fourth, notifying me of the rejection of one of them. I never heard back about the other two but I suppose it's safe to guess that they didn't win ;)

I'm not sure if you knew this, but Cannes doesn't have any fee for submitting shorts. That's why I sent three...

I agree with what Nathan said re: the 'artistic' merit at these festivals. When you look at some of the competition - government-funded efforts from Turkey, etc. that hire massive Technocranes and shoot Super 35, there isn't a great chance that your work will be noticed in such a situation regardless of its thematic quality.

Why did your scenario remind me of 'Maria'? I guess the setting, for one, and the description of the girls he meets. I think it would probably work better if you took a more realistic slant rather than making it a parable, which as Nathan pointed out runs the risk of turning into a 'parody of an art film.'

I mentioned Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada for another specific reason. That film starts as a gritty, realistic study of characters in a limited environment - a Texas border town. When it moves into mysticism as two characters venture into Mexico, I felt like it lost some appeal. Obviously films that run counter to your expectations run the risk of this, but I felt like it didn't necessarily open more doors than it closed. This is fairly strange since one of my favorite directors, Zulawski, loves to incorporate radical tonal shifts about 3/4 through his films. In those cases the first segment is not so well-sketched and plausibly realistic, anyway, though.

[steve hyde]

Thanks for the feedback and beta, Evan.

Obviously the paragraph I wrote is not exactally a fleshed-out document. It was just an idea that came down on me while I was writing in one of my notebooks and thought it might be productive to bat it around with you guys here - and it has been.

I think Nathan is right about the settings and everything being ambitious, although I have been to these locations and will use some of them when this project goes into production in September, but as I said above, this is the first of a series of scenarios that I am going to outline. A lot of the details of what I wrote: priests, mud, god, shamans and all of that are all just embellishments anyway. Some could be disasters , I know. Some of that is cliche, I know etc etc,, I'll try to lose that stuff and bring in something fresh.

The part I am going to work on is the parentetical sentence where I wrote need to develop oor something like that. We want to get the girls to deliver the antagonism. That will be the fun part...

Steve